. . . I have abandoned my old motto.

"It's better to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed."

See ya later good ole' saying!  A lot of things have come full circle for me this week . . . most of which don't involve running, but were revealed as I struggled with my training program, disappointing myself this week, and feeling the nerves come on as I realize my first half marathon is a mere nine days away.

Where to begin?

I decided to start training for a half marathon my first year of grad school.  That clearly went well, huh?!?!?!Two and half years later, when I moved to Mass, I wanted to take up a hobby/sport to basically find something I was good at.  Since finishing school, I realized that a good deal of my pride in myself and what I was capable of resided in the academic world.  With that chapter complete I was feeling pretty empty...so I decided to run...seemed simple enough, right?

In May I began training...for real.  I created a seperate training calendar that detailed every run from May 9-August 7.  A little OCD, right?  Maybe...but it helped me plan around family coming, work events, and life happening.  If I was going to commit, I wanted to commit fully.  Plus, I know myself and without such OCD I know I would look at a calendar today and say, "&^$% I have a half marathon in nine days . . . I should try running!"  OCD + procrastination can be an interesting combination!

As the journey continued, I tracked every mile and every minute I ran.  I compared distances, times, and honestly I impressed myself.  I was not only training for a half marathon, but my skill was improving!  I was running faster and longer than I ever thought possible...I was proving myself wrong!  I followed my training plan religiously, to a tee, to perfection . . . until Father's Day.  I skipped a run (6-7 miler) because I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.  That's when I started playing games with myself.

One skipped run became a few, became switching runs around, became kinda creating my own plan.  To be fair, I have run three times a week at least . . . but there are times when I cut my miles or my intervals, or just do my own thing.  While this probably seems mundane and seemingly harmless to every other human being on the planet, I took this very seriously . . . I am learning that I took it TOO seriously. 

Insert my OLD motto:  "It's better to be pleasantly surpised than disappointed."

Once I started beating myself up about missing A run, I started missing more.  When I took the time to say "What are you thinking, you weirdo?!?!!?"  I realized that I felt I was putting myself in jeopardy of not making my goal time that I have spent months trying to attain.  Rather than sucking it up and getting back on program, I started sabotaging myself.  By skipping runs, miles, and time I created a reason/excuse/cause should I not complete my half marathon in the time I would like.  Apparently, I would rather turn meeting my goal into surprising myself by my lack of training, rather than potentially disappointing myself by staying faithful to my committment and still falling short.  So really this motto should be "Disappoint yourself first, so that in the end you can surprise yourself by potentially not being as disappointed as you thought you might be."

I am learning that my old standby saying can be rather toxic.  Running is not the only area of my life where I have seen the above process unfold.  As I look back, there are so many times/reasons/events where I created hurdles for myself to prevent accepting I might not cross the finish line in the time/way that I would like.  Instead, I pat myself on the back for completing a hurdle that didn't even need to exist if I just kept my eye on the finish.  In the end, I need to accept that failure is not the opposite of perfection.  Rather, to not be perfect is to be human and that is perfectly okay!

So, the good ole' motto is out the door.  And in its place I inserted this as it relates to running:

"It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit." - George Sheehan

Accepting defeat is a trait I want to get better at.  Not being defeated, but accepting that challenging myself and following through is something to be proud of.  I need to seperate the process from the product.  Regardless of how my half marathon goes next week I have earned being proud of the miles I have logged, the time I have spent running, and my commitment to challenge myself.  My success/pride associated with the marathon itself can be seperate.  To miss my goal time next week will be a bummer but I can still celebrate crossing a finish line and preparing my body to be able to even start such a race.  I never in a million years thought I would register a half marathon . . . EVER!  Now, the start line is nine days away.  I am abandoning getting caught up in the details and will instead savor the journey.

"Today (well, in nine days!) I will do what others won’t, So tomorrow I can do what others can’t". - Unknown

BECAUSE I RUN I have changed my motto to one that is both positive and productive.  What seems mundane can be subconciously toxic.  BECAUSE I RUN I know that it is important to take pride in myself, my ability, and what I am capable of.  And if I ever doubt myself, I will take a stab at trying a new motto.