. . . I am more connected and deeply rooted.

As noted in my previous post, this week has brought several breakthroughs both in my training and my life.  With each day of training checked off the list I feel like I am more in tune with my body, my emotions, my thoughts, my desires, my dreams, and myself than ever before. 

I distinctly remember lying in my bed talking to a girlfriend on the phone in February 2007 when I suggested that maybe, just maybe we try to run a half marathon.  The Horsetooth Half in Fort Collins was that April and it seemed like a really good idea!  Until I started "training"...which I may have done for twenty minutes between then and when April came and went.

Looking back now, I find that I give up on myself so easily.  One bad run, I throw in the towel.  A B on a report card, I question my intelligence.  A chocolate bar that tastes delicious, I give up on eating healthy.  I am not quite sure where or why I learned to be so hard on myself, but over the last week I am beginning to understand the tone of my mom's chuckles when I call her to tell her my life is crumbling yet again.  I can hear her sigh as I sobbed to my dad when I got a B in AP Government.  And I now truly understand she has never lacked empathy when she has said to get the frick over it when a perceived catastrophe threatens my well being.  She has always seen me for who I am, rather than who I see myself to be and I understand now that she tried to help me reconnect with my center as I felt like I was spiraling out of control.  She never fed into my frenzy.  My dad didn't either, but he met me at my level.  He always made me feel sane, and sometimes justified, even though I was probably anything but. 

Since my dad died two years ago, I have struggled with claiming and defining my center because for 22 years of my life I was blessed to have someone tell me how proud they were, how amazing I was, and how many great things were awaiting me each and everyday.  Without that constant affirmation over the last two years, I was beginning to question how meaningful my life really was, if I was capable of doing such great things, and I was constantly yearning and searching for someone to tell me they were proud of me.  Essentially, I was looking in the mirror and saying, "What's the big deal about Elise Clement?  What makes her unique?"  For a long time, these questions remained unanswered as my dad's voice was not there to fill in the blanks.

The funny thing now is that other people (family, friends, stranger) have been taking stabs at these questions and now I am learning that their answers pale in comparison and not the same as when my dad would say the very same thing.  When my dad said he was proud, I believed him, and in turn, I too was proud.  No one in my life has that power.  It doesn't mean I don't want to make others proud, and don't value the times when I impress, inspire, or make a difference in the lives of others.  Instead, there is just something (well many actually!) about my dad and the way he saw me that made me feel invincible.  To make my dad proud was the conquer the world.

Over the last two years, I have had to cope and deal with a void that seems to grow with each passing hour, day, month, year.  I have had to learn how to make myself proud without the benefit of having my dad, or anyone else for that matter, affirm these feelings by phone, in person, or via email.  I have simply had to just know.  And it sucks.  And is very hard.  As a result, I have become much more connected with myself, what's important to me, and what I hope to accomplish in the future.  In order to get there, I had to shed some baggage and approach myself as a vulnerable, scared, and nervous individual.  Sounds weird, right?!  Well, turns out I am my own worst enemy, my most cynical critic, and I give up on my long before anyone else does.  

Since shedding my old motto, digging deeper into my heart, and having some honest conversations, I have turned over a new leaf this week.  I now remember where my roots are, in addition to the nutrients they need to grow and flourish (healthy playlist, anyone?!). 

My head was in an entirely new place today as I set out to run my longest run I have ever attempted.  In preparation, I got the praise, affirmation, and reassurance I needed . . . through song.

Exhibit A (heard when pulling up to Lakeshore Drive - my dad's old house - to start my run:

"Think good thoughts, think good thoughts,

Imagine what the world would be if we we we we would just think good thoughts,

Stop the bad from feeding.

I won't let my negativity turn me into my enemy,

Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,

That's how I want to be."

Such an amazing message that speaks to the power of positivity and mind set.  Much of what I have struggle with recently is in my head.  And when negativity's flood gates open in my head, I am Elise's Most Wanted.

Exhibit B (song number 2 that came on while running down the street my dad grew up on): 

"I am the red in the rose, the flowers on the blankets on your bedroom floor.
And I am the gray in the ghost that hides with your clothes behind your closet door...

You can go anywhere you wish cause I'll be there, wherever you are." 

Cue the tears please!  Ever see a girl running on the side of the road crying?!  Wave because it's probably me.  This verse really struck me today.  I drove to Westwood to be closer to my dad.  To run along the streets he walked millions of times.  To smell the flowers that he smelled.  To see tree growth that he witnessed decades ago.  To notice random landmarks that he may have used to find his way home.  All that effort for the reminder that he is where I am.  BECAUSE I RUN, I heard this message loud and clear today.  BECAUSE I RUN I am more connected with myself and my roots, and as a result am more open to the world around me.  How many messages/signs do we miss simply because we are not connected or aware?  

I made myself really proud today . . . minus the getting lost and adding mileage to my run!  I woke up early, beat the heat, and followed through with my training by running farther than I have in my whole life.  I patted myself on the back because I was able to do what I did today only because I have logged over 200 miles in the last three months.  I have pushed my body, changed my diet, and made the commitment to live a healthy life.  

While my dad was not standing at my car in his old front yard, I could still feel and see his beaming smile.  As I rounded Clapboard Tree St to Pond and saw the Lakeshore Drive sign I immediately started crying and my first thought was, "I am home!".  Not sure why I thought that but I know that is what my dad thought when he saw that green and white sign.  I know he celebrated a lot of accomplishments and overcame many setbacks on that same black asphalt.  While he didn't give my a high five, kiss my forehead, or say "Nice work, Sweetie" through a beaming smile, I know he was there.  I know this BECAUSE I RUN and am connected to myself and my roots in entirely new ways.  I think good thoughts and know that wherever I am, my dad is also.

. . . I have abandoned my old motto.

"It's better to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed."

See ya later good ole' saying!  A lot of things have come full circle for me this week . . . most of which don't involve running, but were revealed as I struggled with my training program, disappointing myself this week, and feeling the nerves come on as I realize my first half marathon is a mere nine days away.

Where to begin?

I decided to start training for a half marathon my first year of grad school.  That clearly went well, huh?!?!?!Two and half years later, when I moved to Mass, I wanted to take up a hobby/sport to basically find something I was good at.  Since finishing school, I realized that a good deal of my pride in myself and what I was capable of resided in the academic world.  With that chapter complete I was feeling pretty empty...so I decided to run...seemed simple enough, right?

In May I began training...for real.  I created a seperate training calendar that detailed every run from May 9-August 7.  A little OCD, right?  Maybe...but it helped me plan around family coming, work events, and life happening.  If I was going to commit, I wanted to commit fully.  Plus, I know myself and without such OCD I know I would look at a calendar today and say, "&^$% I have a half marathon in nine days . . . I should try running!"  OCD + procrastination can be an interesting combination!

As the journey continued, I tracked every mile and every minute I ran.  I compared distances, times, and honestly I impressed myself.  I was not only training for a half marathon, but my skill was improving!  I was running faster and longer than I ever thought possible...I was proving myself wrong!  I followed my training plan religiously, to a tee, to perfection . . . until Father's Day.  I skipped a run (6-7 miler) because I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.  That's when I started playing games with myself.

One skipped run became a few, became switching runs around, became kinda creating my own plan.  To be fair, I have run three times a week at least . . . but there are times when I cut my miles or my intervals, or just do my own thing.  While this probably seems mundane and seemingly harmless to every other human being on the planet, I took this very seriously . . . I am learning that I took it TOO seriously. 

Insert my OLD motto:  "It's better to be pleasantly surpised than disappointed."

Once I started beating myself up about missing A run, I started missing more.  When I took the time to say "What are you thinking, you weirdo?!?!!?"  I realized that I felt I was putting myself in jeopardy of not making my goal time that I have spent months trying to attain.  Rather than sucking it up and getting back on program, I started sabotaging myself.  By skipping runs, miles, and time I created a reason/excuse/cause should I not complete my half marathon in the time I would like.  Apparently, I would rather turn meeting my goal into surprising myself by my lack of training, rather than potentially disappointing myself by staying faithful to my committment and still falling short.  So really this motto should be "Disappoint yourself first, so that in the end you can surprise yourself by potentially not being as disappointed as you thought you might be."

I am learning that my old standby saying can be rather toxic.  Running is not the only area of my life where I have seen the above process unfold.  As I look back, there are so many times/reasons/events where I created hurdles for myself to prevent accepting I might not cross the finish line in the time/way that I would like.  Instead, I pat myself on the back for completing a hurdle that didn't even need to exist if I just kept my eye on the finish.  In the end, I need to accept that failure is not the opposite of perfection.  Rather, to not be perfect is to be human and that is perfectly okay!

So, the good ole' motto is out the door.  And in its place I inserted this as it relates to running:

"It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit." - George Sheehan

Accepting defeat is a trait I want to get better at.  Not being defeated, but accepting that challenging myself and following through is something to be proud of.  I need to seperate the process from the product.  Regardless of how my half marathon goes next week I have earned being proud of the miles I have logged, the time I have spent running, and my commitment to challenge myself.  My success/pride associated with the marathon itself can be seperate.  To miss my goal time next week will be a bummer but I can still celebrate crossing a finish line and preparing my body to be able to even start such a race.  I never in a million years thought I would register a half marathon . . . EVER!  Now, the start line is nine days away.  I am abandoning getting caught up in the details and will instead savor the journey.

"Today (well, in nine days!) I will do what others won’t, So tomorrow I can do what others can’t". - Unknown

BECAUSE I RUN I have changed my motto to one that is both positive and productive.  What seems mundane can be subconciously toxic.  BECAUSE I RUN I know that it is important to take pride in myself, my ability, and what I am capable of.  And if I ever doubt myself, I will take a stab at trying a new motto.

. . . I know more about science!

So, not to complain, but it's been stinkin' hot here in New England this past week.  Like wicked hottttt!  I am talking 100 plus degrees and so humid I felt like I wore wet pants all week.

Since moving here, I have always said I would MUCH rather run at high altitudes than in humidity because height seems to be less of a challenge than damp air.  There is a reason for that as I learned today . . . in addition to some other useful info for those who care about running, heat, and sweat.

Before I reveal this new knowledge, we first need to review some facts about our bodies:

*Our bodies have their own cooling systems that do not require fans or AC.  Instead, the body cools itself by moving blood (at least the water part!) to the sweat glands.  Our glands then create sweat drops (or BO) which carries hear to the surface of our skin (perspiration).  Basically, beads of sweat are "containers of heat" ("Runner's World, 2011).

This process occurs in all of us, regardless of whether or not you run, however, for runners the process is challenged, and sometimes hindered when people run in extreme heat and humidity!


When running in heat, your body gets confused because it wants to engage the aforementioned cooling system, but as you continue running it must supply blood to muscles, tendons, tissue, etc to keep you moving.  As a result, there is a limited blood supply in your body and with less water moving about it is harder to cool yourself down.

The HUMIDITY factor:

When you add humidity to the picture, it is even harder to cool down because the evaporation of sweat is hindered, which creates yet another hurdle in the cooling process.  This explains why cooler temperatures here on the East Coast feel hotter than those in Colorado . . . because your body temperature may be the same!  Can I have some altitude back please?!?!?!?

Here are some other interesting science facts:

1)  Heat Stroke.  Can occur when an internal body temperature reaches 104 degrees.

GET THIS...An experienced runner racing in 85 degree weather after hydrating for three days, eating salt the night before to retain water, drinking 20 oz of water the night before, followed by 10 oz before bed, sleeping in AC, and drinking 10 oz the morning of the race while eating more salt, and then drinking a slurpee (more on this later) 1 hour prior to the race, followed by wearing a cooling vest for thirty min pre-gun time, will reach an internal body temperature of 103.9 by mile 8 with a heart rate of 188 beats per minute!!!  Mind you, the steps I just laid out for you brought said athlete's body temperature to 99 degrees with five miles left to run!  To my fellow runners, be careful!

2)  Slurpees.  More successful at cooling the body than cold water.  Study, 2010, New Zealand.  Results: icy, sweet drink consumed one hour prior to running results in runners lasting 10 minutes longer without overheating than those who just drank syrup-flavored cold water.  Hmmm...is this why soda can be soooo refreshing on hot day?!

3)  Urine.  A tell tale sign of dehydration.  However, you want SOME color in the pot!  Colorless urine, especially when preparing to run, can cause "hyponatremia" which occurs when sodium levels dip to a dangerously low level.  You don't want the color of Tweety, but you do want the color of straw!

Moral of today's story . . . science can help us be safe and still enjoy running, even when the great outdoors is one giant steam room.  BECAUSE I RUN where it's hot and humid I have a tip for you and it marries water and sweat.  Want to know how to stay hydrated?  Here ya go!

1)  Weigh yourself naked before a run.

2)  While running track how many ounces of fluid you drink.

3)  Weigh yourself naked when your run is finished.

4)  Subtract postrun weight from prerun and convert to ounces by multiplying by 16.

5)  Add that number to the amount you drank on your run and divide the loss by four to determine how many oz you must consume every 15 min to stay hydrated.

PS  I stole this handy fact right from Runner's World . . . page 65 . . . :)

BECAUSE I RUN, I crosstrain and when crosstraining I read, and today while reading Runner's World I learned some science.  And now, BECAUSE I RUN and read I hope I have told you a few things you didn't know already.  BO, while stinky, is important and our bodies have been cooling themselves long before Central Air!  

Run safe, but don't forget to enjoy the sun!


PS Special shout out to Nicole Schutte as she runs her first HALF MARATHON tomorrow!  Can't wait to join the club!  May your stride by long, the breeze be in your favor, and your tears remind you that are a ROCKSTAR!

. . . I am in better touch with my inner 8th grader.

Lots of chuckles on today's run.  Let's just cut to the chase . . .

I Pod on shuffle produced a playlist including the following . . . 

1.  Willa Ford - I Wanna be Bad
2.  LFO - If I Can't Have You
3.  Sisqo - Thong Song
4.  98 Degrees - Dizzy
5.  Sir Mix A Lot - Baby Got Back
6.  A country song whose name I have blacked out because it takes me back to the cafeteria floor where 8th grade girls parted like the Red Sea anxiously awaiting a  pimply faced, BO scented boy to pull them off the wall.


Parker Vista West eighth grade formal anyone?!  Wow . . . is it weird I also ran almost 8 miles today?  BECAUSE I RUN, I am least entertained by my eighth grade, thirteen year old self. 

. . . I appreciate a good play list.

One thing I have come to accept about myself is my need for some pump up music while running.  I am an awful I tunes play list creator and often resort to shuffling all songs.  This can be problematic as my I pod includes artists like the Rolling Stones, Matt Nathanson, Rhianna, MJ, Jason Aldean, Don Henley, Taio Cruz, Spice Girls, etc.  Lots of variety!  

Since taking up running, I have learned that variety can be a blessing and curse.  There is a time and place for Enya . . . stretching, meditation, yoga.  Not really my style on mile three of a 10K.  Just not the pump and motivation I need.  Now Rhianna on the other hand gets me going, adds spring to my step, and makes 5, 6, 7 miles seem totally doable.  However, when it comes to needing time to think, journal, and clear my head Rhianna ain't my girl.  It's not the right energy.

Energy.  This is easily applied to life and the play list, or people and environments, we choose to listen to/interact with/surround ourselves with.  Since moving across the country, starting a new job, and trying to figure out my place in the world, I am left to ponder energy quite often.  Sometimes I feel I am bursting with it, other times completely sucked dry.  This is often a result of the people I surround myself with.  We all have the friends that know how to have a good time, but are then ill equipped to deal with emotion, chaos, and tragedy.  Then there are people who are great at giving advice, telling you what they think, but not always great at just enjoying your company. 

Since moving, I have learned a lot about friends, relationships, and candor.  Distance has changed many of my friendships, yet other remain completely intact.  Over the last few years, life circumstances have taught me about what others are capable of dealing with, what makes people uncomfortable, and how easy it is for some people to step up to the plate when they see someone they care about in need.   

BECAUSE I RUN, I recognize that my I pod play list runs much deeper than my ear canals.  Life has a playlist and just like one sorts their I tunes library, so too we sort our play list for life.  Sometimes this means accepting that relationships have run their course, and other times it means you must admit where you have fallen short.  Ultimately, it requires one to look within themselves and admit where boundaries must be drawn.  Where are your limits?  What are you willing to tolerate?  When is enough enough?  How do you show your appreciation for those you love?  Is your life play list motivating, or dragging you down?  Which songs/people need to moved/changed/reconsidered? 

Life, challenges, and goals are all about energy.  And what energizes one part of your life will not necessarily energize another.  Where does Rhianna fit?  How about that fun friend versus the one that is real and a constant shoulder to lean on?  BECAUSE I RUN, I have learned that it is okay to draw boundaries to protect what is important.  I understand that context is everything and if you won't advocate for yourself and what you need, no one will.  BECAUSE I RUN, I appreciate a good play list and in most circumstances, that play list needs to get me pumped up so I can be the best me!

. . . I bake!

Yep, that's right.  My weekend is full of recipes, powdered sugar, flour, and treats.  I am hosting my first bake sale on Monday at work to continue to raise money for my half marathon.  I am really excited about this fundraiser because it joins two of my passions . . . running and baking.

Secretly, I want to own a bakery when I "grow up".  I LOVE baking.  There is nothing like flour covered pants, chocolate smudges on the oven, and smell of something sweet lingering in the air.  I like trying new things, taking a spin on old favorites, and sticking to the classics.  So, I figured that one way to move closer to my fundraiser goal would be through people's stomachs!  After surveying people I work with I came up with a menu of lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, cupcakes, muffins, and brownies.  

This is why I love baking.  There is something for everyone!  Chocolate lovers unite, cake lovers dive in, and there are always options for those who don't love the overly sweet.  Furthermore, baking can function as the proverbial water cooler in the way that it brings people together.  Everyone has a favorite dessert, everyone has a family member that brings a token dessert to Christmas or Easter, and everyone has a story of the dessert that went way wrong.

Baking/baked goods, and the stories surrounding them, bring people together and help us find the common thread that runs through us all.  While we might not all be excellent bakers, we are at least good pie cutters, cupcake eaters, and icing spreaders.  And let's face it, without eaters, bakers would be out of business.  In the end, through baking, people come together and learn things about others they may not have known otherwise.  Baking, like running, often starts with one person and then has the power to unite an army.  My army fights to end cancer.  If I bring that end through brownies and lemon bars, all the "sweeter"!  BECAUSE I RUN, I bake, because maybe, just maybe, we can end cancer one cupcake at a time!

 Luscious Lemon Bars Baking Away!

 Fudgy Brownies getting ready for the oven!

. . . I know more than necessary about trash and that some dog owners lack etiquette.

Shortly into my run this morning I knew what my post would be about today . . . garbage, trash and recycling.  From what I can tell, Canton has an every other week recycle policy and garbage is collected on Thursdays.  Knowing this should have made me reconsider waiting to run this morning as the sun had already started baking the insides of garbage cans by 8 am.  This means that five miles of air was tainted with the lovely scent of rancid meat, sour milk, and rotten veggies.  Yum, right?!

 While the scents of Canton's streets were slightly unpleasant this morning, it got me thinking about the trash that often infiltrates our lives.  The extent of this infiltration is influenced by our choices.  Do we choose to focus on the trash, or on the good meals, conversation, and company that was shared before the trash was created?  While running, I chose to still enjoy the sunshine, cool breeze, and fresh air rather than the horrible stench that consumed the town and at times was enough to make me gag.  Weird connection I know, but something I found worthy of pondering.

This pondering and philosophical thought was abruptly interrupted when I ran past the library.  Free of neighborhood streets, smelly garbage cans, and stinky air, I lengthened my stride, straightened my posture, and picked up the pace only to encounter the pink shirted lady.  Said woman was walking an incredibly large chocolate lab who was in the process of taking a huge crap on the library lawn.  Mind you, it's just after 8am and the library is located in Canton Center.  Time and location equal a long line of stopped traffic with drivers looking about and admiring their surroundings.  And there is Chocolate Fido leaving his own spin on a tootsie rolls . . . or tootsie logs.  OK, no big deal . . . dogs poop on walks.  Go Fido!  What doesn't typically happen (or so I hope!) is people like pink shirt lady who tug Fido back to the sidewalk leaving a pile of poo in the lawn of a public place!  Grocery sack, anyone?!  After smelling what closely resembled shit for the preceding three miles this was just icing on the cake and before I knew it I was giggling.

Fast forward 7-9 years.  6060 Belmont Way.  Early morning, dad making lunch in his bathrobe (important detail for later!), me at the bar half asleep probably eating Cheerios.  Another Fido is on a walk and just he takes care of business in my front yard my dad starts screaming, goes to the laundry room to retrieve a grocery sack, and proceeds to chase Fido and owner up the street reminding them that we don't have dogs because we don't want to clean up poop.  Remember the bathrobe . . . yep, mortifying!

So, moral of today's five miles . . . BECAUSE I RUN I remind myself that while I know more about garbage pick up than necessary and people are often rude and inconsiderate, how that affects your life is up to you.  While part of me wanted to chase down pink shirted lady and call out her rudeness, I instead chose to laugh, and really what better way is there to end a run that with a smile?!

. . . I know that speed isn't everything.

Today's run was not so fun.  The weather was beautiful . . . not too hot, nice breeze, sunshine, a shady route with lots of trees.  Even still, I was a slow poke.  Sometimes runs are just like that.  No matter how hard I train, how much I push myself, sometimes I feel like walking would be faster.  A friend of mine and fellow runner (@NicoleSchutte) shared this with me and I found it very motivating.  There will always be someone faster, someone slower, someone richer, someone poorer.  What matters in life is that you stick with your committments, follow your dreams and passions, and only compare yourself to you.  Here is to a better run on Saturday . . . BECAUSE I RUN I feel accomplished for today, because speed isn't everything.

. . . I contribute to something larger than myself.

Well here it is . . . my very first blog post.  I must say this has been a long time coming, especially since I have taken up running, races, and training.  I have found running to be a metaphor for my life and it is here that I want to share my thoughts for anyone who cares to read! 

As I prepare for my first half marathon I think about my training, my miles, and my thoughts.  While running is something I prefer to do on my own, I love doing it because it can be so much bigger!  BECAUSE I RUN I have the opportunity to raise money, meet new people, and do something that really is not about me at all. 

When I run I feel really close to my dad, especially when I am out in the wee hours of the morning.  The crisp air keeps me cool, I get to watch the sun reflect off Bolivar pond, the smell of cut grass often looms in the air, and I begin to understand why the first hours of the day were always his favorite.  When you stop to savor the day, your environment, and sunshine it really starts you off right.  And honestly, what else is there to do at 5:30am?!?!?!  As weird as it sounds, there are moments in the morning where I know my dad is with me . . . beaming his huge smile and being kind enough to share his favorite part of the day with me.

BECAUSE I RUN, I can connect with my dad in a new way and understand him better.  It's weird to learn something new about someone when they aren't here to tell you or converse with you.  But, the good thing is that it keeps my dad very much alive.  It's BECAUSE I RUN that I can connect on this level.  It's BECAUSE I RUN that I can turn this positive energy into meaningful miles that will hopefully spare another young woman of living a day without her best friend.  My optimism tells me that running for ACS can and will make a difference.  I can provide funding needed to ensure patients have rides to treatment, resources 24/7, unlimited access to cancer related information, cancer resource specialists at hospitals, and a support system that helps lifts spirits when chemo, radiation, and a deteriorating body have the spirit crippled and hopeless.

Since my dad has died I have been relentless about being involved in a cancer cause.  Never did I think I would live, work, and breathe it!  While I love every minute of it, @RyanCooper made the good point that I have never escaped thinking about cancer for a day since my dad's diagnosis.  BECAUSE I RUN, I now have an outlet and I can both contribute to something larger than myself while also taking care of myself. 

The ability to make such contributions is just one thing I have learned and pondered since taking on this runner persona.  I can't wait to share the rest of realizations with you! 

BECAUSE I RUN, it's not just about me.  And that is all the more reason to keep tracking those miles!